Embrace yourself ladies and invite your gentlemen to join you for a grand-delux treat.
The ULTIMATE Met Ball REVIEW (yes it would be fun to guys) by my dearest, very witty, tell-it-like-it-is friend, Ana. She is stylish and beautiful – trust me and amazingly entertaining with words – as you will see.

EYELINERS, SAFETY PINS AND SOFAS

HI!
My name is Ana and I’ve been cordially invited to write a guest post about Met Ball. To clarify: when I say I’ve been cordially invited I really mean that I wasn’t invited, cordially or otherwise to do this at all, rather, I volunteered because I enjoy bitching about what people wear. Normally I write about yoghurt so this makes me a completely qualified fashion writer. Grace Coddington, tremble in your designer heels!

Enough of the self praise, let`s do this thing.

In its essence, the Met Ball is really a glorified fancy dress party. The theme usually points to a certain direction and the guests stick by it to some degree. It`s the biggest fancy dress party in the world, so why not go all out, right? Wrong. This years theme, Punk: Chaos to Culture, was obviously just too rad.  The result? One big giant BLERGH.

Only a handful of people managed to emulate the spirit of punk, and when I say that I`m referring to this idea of breaking the mould, being different, showing it to THE MAN, saying “screw you” with clothes and attitude. In that aspect, anything different or shocking could be punk.
Well, there were hardly any ball busters there and when they were, they were ugly. The overall vibe was matronly. It was as if the invitees decided to rebel by wearing their grandparent’s clothes. There was a lot of lace. A LOT of sofa cover dresses. A lot of 50ies and 70ies references, a lot of frocks with pants, but hardly any punk. Oh wait. There WAS some punk – the ladies really gave the establishment the middle finger by collectively fiercing it up with faux mowhawks, faux side shaves, black nail varnish and OTT black eyeliner. And lots and lots of safety pins cos everyone knows safety pins = punk. Sigh. It was all so… tepid.

The only groundbreaking accessory of the night was, surprisingly, a nose ring sported by Jessica Biel. I know, right? The overall winner and queen of the ball wasn’t Beyonce (groan for the couch brigade) but Sarah Jessica Parker. She went all in and gave us a real haute couture punk. Madonna was also a winner in terms of punkiness , but failed terribly in the execution.

Let`s move onto the fun part: pics! I’ve selected only the most outstanding perpetrators because life is short. And most frocks were a snooze.

WORST (cos that list is way more fun)

Lena Dunham or a widow in the ol’ timey saloon? Not only is this lace, it also has a sort of doily round her neck. Oh Lena. I know you don’t care about clothes but girl, you have to buy a mirror.

OMG YOU GUYS! Kim isn’t really pregnant, she just ate a sofa and/or a curtain in your grandma’s salon! I’ll probably get a pimple on my eye for making fun of a pregnant lady but this is just so terrible. The fabric. The cut. The matchy matchy shoes. The sleeves with gloves. THE SLEEVES WITH GLOVES! Dear Lord, the sleeves with gloves. She has the worst stylist in the world.

The Hilfinger clan got some data wrong. The theme wasn’t SCOTLAND, but PUNK. But I see what Tommy did here. He was all “what is punk? It`s Vivienne Westwood, right? I`m gonna outvivienne Vivienne!” TA DAAA!  This tartan leaves a rather tart taste in the mouth. Like I just ate some haggis.

Tom Brady`s jacket. That is all.

I actually like this colour and fabric and she looks happy. But the cut makes her look like a giant SpongeBob Square Pants. 

I mean, the dress is okay, in the “grandma from Florida” category. It isn’t punk with its 70ies curtain vibes that was obvs the theme of the night, so ill let it pass. But can anyone even see the dress when they are so distracted with the hair that makes her look like Cruella de Ville after a stroke. Or a small owl. What a hoot!

Dakota was born a good 30 years after punk came to be so no wonder she mistook it for a more groovier theme (“it happened in the 70ies, right?”). If you stare at the dress long enough, you`ll get transported to a different time via its vortex of ew.

Cos nothing says punk more than hippy glittery caftans. I look at them and all I see is a sea of orangey barf explosions.

Why did she decide to come as a pink Crayola pen? This thing baffles me.

What Pink Panther would have worn if he was a human going to a glitzy annual awards ceremony for terrorists.

Betty Paige was a pin up so it makes sense that Madge`s reinterpretation of her look would be a punk stripper.

This look IS punk. But it is also “Queen Elisabeth I of England pulled out of the sewer, wrapped in cellophane”.

The Grey Ghost Lady of the Tulle Tower has come to take your soul. She will get your soul after she drowns you in her net. But she won’t come unless you pay her at least 10.000 dollars.

And another one from the couch brigade. This looks like the Loch Ness monster vommed all over her body.

This is SO TERRIBLE. That jumpsuit couldn’t look good on any living creature. Which might explain why Kirsten tried it. I mean, she seems half dead most of the time anyway and is famous for playing a vampire. The cut is insanely unflattering, making it seem like her head is attached to a body that is turned backward. And her ass is square. If that isn’t sexy, I don’t know what is.

 

BEST (but mostly, the “eh, okay like”) 

She brought the house down, didn’t she. The headdress, the dress, the crotch, the boots. It is all pretty intense and nuts and I wouldn’t call it beautiful, but this was what they all should have done. GO SPJ with your crotch self!

Both wore Burberry, both were the elegant (!) punk princesses. Simple and clean, with a twist. Sienna`s look was less accomplished of the two because she just isn’t believable as a punk and it seems like the jacket is carrying her, not vice versa.

Hot and short. They look great, if a bit “space hostesses on the intergalactic trip to Mars” and I can’t say this is anything groundbreaking or fresh. But I want to wear this and they are hot.

Obvs, there is no punk here. But Umma looked sensational in this Zac Posen frock. Sensational. 

I’ve counted at least 4 or 5 of these pants/dress combos and this was the best one (followed closely by Nina Dobrev`s). Break the norm? That she did. Love the colour and the styling. I hope this doesn’t become a thing though cos I`m still cringing about its 90ies version.

Punk, init? Hair like a broom – check. Netting – check. Loud make up – check. She is believable yet chic and simple and she pulls this off. Nice work Cyrus.

When I see Rooney Mara, I immediately think punk. She owns it. Who knew that a white lacey number could be so tough? This is romantic yet fierce and is also the only lace number that didn’t look like a giant doily.

I want this dress. The end.

This might be an odd choice but this dress fits her like a glove which is funny cos she is also sporting sleeve gloves. I thought about whether the dress would benefit if there weren’t any gloveeves (glove+sleeves) but in the end it works. The gloveeves give this striking, simple dress a little something special, that punk element of surprise.

This concludes the list. Everyone else that wasn’t mentioned was either dull or seen before (Cameron Diaz in the blue version of the cape dress Gwyneth already wore). The real disappointments were the girls who didn’t bring it like they usually do, like Diane Krueger (lace yawn), Carey Mulligan (cute shoes!) and Michelle Williams. I had high hopes for you ladies!

But who cares, right? It`s just fashion.

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Thanks, Ana! I HAD A BALL!!
Hope you, ladies (and gents if could endure till the end), did too.

Comments, please. After this, you can say pretty much anything : )

images: vogue.co.uk, dailymail, getty images, other stated on pics